the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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