I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
