Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
