glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
