so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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