Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
