It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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