dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
