I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
