i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
