it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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