My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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