see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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