Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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