Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
