Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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