His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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