When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
