so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
