just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
