I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I skipped work to stalk him.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
