That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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