Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
