im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i think i have two assholes
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
