you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
