I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
