sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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