I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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