You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
