It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
