I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
