So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We need to get me chipped asap
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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