Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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