I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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