Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You can't special order awesome
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
