I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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