I need to stop coming to work sober
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
