I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
