I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
