i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
