one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
