The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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