I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
