apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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