Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
