Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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