last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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