are you still at the devil's house?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
