I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
