Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
