You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
