I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
