Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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