allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
