I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
