don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
