she woke up with a sticky ear
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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