you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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