My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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